I'm in a weird lull right now. I know I've made my decision, but I've had a lot of opposition hit me already. I kinda wish I was taking classes. I kinda wish I was living in Provo with all my friends. I kinda wish I had more then work to do each day. I kinda wish I didn't have to start really mentally preparing myself for a mission. I kinda wish I was dating someone.
All those things are mixed up in my mind. Along with thoughts of how am I going to survive on a mission when I need nap a couple times a week? How will I handle not being around my ne-kids or my siblings or parents?
Sometimes writing helps me handle all these thoughts...and this blog post is definitely for me.
I went to my friend Karissa's farewell on Sunday. She is going to Argentina. I have another friend leaving this Wednesday to Madagascar. And my friend Hilary has been in Argentina for the past 9 months. They are my heroes. They are actually doing it...I can do this too...right? I know that this experience, of even just preparing to serve, is helping me become a stronger person. I'm talking with the Lord a lot these days, its not that I'm doubting the inspiration I received, but I'm asking him for a bit more help. Is that selfish of me? This is a big step in my life, and it will be life changing. I doubt myself daily, not the Lord. I know that through Him I can do anything...but I need some confidence in myself as well.
Been filling out paper work and what not. I have a dentist appointment made, and I need to make a doctors. Then I can send them in. I think once they are in and I get my call I'll be a bit more calm. But right now I'm freaking out inside. I'm excited/nervous/scared/anxious and any of the adjectives that might go along with all those.
I signed myself up for classes tonight, just to see what I would be taking if I went back to school for this semester. I'd be taking a sociology class or two and a couple G.E.'s. I bet I'll learn more in the next year and half or so then I would if I were going to school right now. I just have to appreciate this time I have to really start focusing and preparing...but I just get antzy and doubtful...maybe I'll try to leave before January. Who knows...God does.
Sorry this post just rambled, but I needed to get this all written out...I'm understanding myself the more I write.
Stacy, you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you've been through this past year and I'm so proud of you for coming out of all of it with a positive attitude. And just know that satan is working even harder to make you not go on a mission and make you feel miserable. And the months from when you put in your papers to when you leave are.. strange. Things have been hard for me that i've never struggled with before. But if you just stay focus and excited like you are right now, you'll be able to deal with anything.
You are great friend and an incredibly kind person. That's how I know you will be a great missionary and you'll bless the lives of all the people where you're going to serve.
You're the best, good luck, and I love you!!
Marlee
I didn't believe I could actually serve a mission until the flight home.
ReplyDeleteThe entire time of filling out papers, getting ready, MTC, my first area, my first year, up until my last transfer I would ask- Can I do this? Am I capable of this?
One day at a time.